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Wednesday, April 7, 2010

GUEST BLOG: ALYSHA ELLIS

Men are an Alien species

The book Men are from Mars has been around for years so I know this revelation isn’t entirely new, but the guy who wrote it got wrong. Women are from Earth, we have the world worked out to prove it, but men are from somewhere far further out in space that Mars. You can see Earth from Mars so you’d expect a Martian to have some idea of how things work. Most men act like they took a small step for a man and a great leap for mankind just this morning.

Put them in front of a computer or any of that technical stuff they would have needed to navigate from their home planet to here and they’re fine. Put them in front of an iron and they stare at it blankly. Send them out to battle and the galactic warrior comes to the fore and they perform at their very best. Confront them with the virus that causes the common cold...note the adjective, and they collapse into a horrified heap, certain that if they are not instantly waited on hand and foot they will die after a brief period of excruciating suffering.

If you suspect the man in your life is an alien, here are a set of behaviors to watch out for.

1. The Cock Spot Check. At home, at work, in the street, observe the alien male’s fascination with his new reproductive equipment. Whether it’s a quick touch to check it’s still there or the lingering cup and hitch, alien males need constant reassurance that the dangly bits they’ve been given have not disappeared.

2. Self Admiration. Related to the cock check, but performed at home when there is either a) a mirror or preferably b) a female. This is the strip naked, stroke and waggle manuevre, frequently accompanied by a sideways flick or an injunction to Check this out. Bet you want a piece of that big boy.

3. Failure to realize that in human anatomy, the penis, no matter how large or upright, is not a separate entity and therefore does not require a name.

4. Failure to understand that said names, including John Thomas, Percy, Old Feller, Harry Johnson, Harry Wang, The little soldier, Willie, Dick, My little pony, Power Drill, Jack, Larry, Jack-in-the-box, do not make Earth females fall to the floor in admiration of either the size of said member or the wit of its owner.

5. Breast Fixation. The alien male seems unable to adjust to the fact that Earth women have breasts. Any time a pair of breasts appears in front of him his attention drops to them and remains there.

6. Information Frenzy. In the deep limbic recesses of his brain, the alien male is programmed to search for as much information as possible. This trait emerges when he relaxes. He sits down in front of a television, remote control in hand and instinct takes over. The thumb twitches and the picture on the screen flashes from channel to channel over and over and over again. Watched that particular station in two second bursts three times already? It doesn’t matter to the alien male. He is compelled to keep flicking in an endless quest to make sure that the enemy hasn’t crept up and taken over the television while he wasn’t looking.

7. Lack of Understanding of Human Nutrition. The alien male does believe fruit and vegetables are necessary to the diet. He does understand that eating what is put in front of him will often placate the female of the species, but this awareness will never extend to the point where he will peel or cut fruit for his own consumption.

8. Lack of knowledge about the length of the Earth Year. The alien male is used to a planet where the rotation around the sun takes much longer. The shorter time span means that dates creep up on him unawares, explaining why he so often fails to register the arrival of important occasions like anniversaries and birthdays.

9. Metabolic Incompetence. Ingestion of alcohol destroys the alien male’s most fundamental biological drive—self preservation. This threat is signalled by any behaviour that follows the words, “Hey guys, look at what I can do.”

10. Linguistic Confusion. The alien male does not understand any of the subtler nuances of language. He continually fails to realise that nothing in “Nothing’s wrong, all right” does not mean that nothing is wrong; that the question, “Does this make me look fat?” is not a request for a body mass index discussion; and that “It’s not you, it’s me”, actually means it is you.

What do you do if, after reading this list, you believe the man in your life is indeed an alien? Step One. Do not panic. You are not alone. Many, many females find themselves in the same position. The good news is, alien males can be domesticated and their endless fascination with Earth females works to our benefit. That penis they are so pleased with is so often at our command.

If you discover an alien male in your vicinity: go about your business as normal. The authorities are aware of the situation and while you should be alert, you need not be alarmed. Aliens are among us, but they are mostly harmless.

Alysha Ellis used to be a sweet, conservative girl (Yeah right, like anyone would ever believe that!) Then her Inner Tart escaped its shackles and demanded to be heard. Other writers have a muse, Alysha has a wild woman whispering dirty stories in her ear.

When she isn't listening gob-smacked to the extraordinary tales her tart feeds her and writing them down for others to read, Alysha can most usually be found snow skiing, drinking champagne or eating large amounts of chocolate.
Having yielded to the influence of her evil inner self, Alysha has made a discovery she'd like to share with you all...Bad girls have all the fun.

www.alyshaellis.com

Watching Amy

5 comments:

booklover0226 said...

OMG, this post cracked me up and it's all TRUE!!!

Thanks,
Tracey D

Stephanie said...

GREAT post!!!! Thanks so much!

Alysha said...

As a writer I spend a lot of time observing people and I am sure there ARE aliens among us.

J. Morgan said...

Love your blog and those boots!

Jmo

Cate Masters said...

Fun post, Alysha. I used to work for a guy who constantly performed the cup and hitch move, usually when I was sitting, and him standing, so it was at eye level and inescapable.
Though I'd venture to say aliens aren't exclusively male. :)